Zuko the Immortal
by underground42
Summary: You know those days when your sociopathic sister gives you a poison that will kill you unless you keep your heart rate up? And then you have to run all over the city trying to capture the Avatar for her so you can get the antidote? It's one of those.
1. I Wear My Hair Loopies at Night

**A/N:** Please be advised that this work of fan fiction may cause shortness of breath, red eye, sore throat, coughing, schizophrenia, heart palpitations, rectal bleeding, and spontaneous combustion. You should not read this work if it you are nursing, pregnant, or if you may become pregnant.

**ZUKO THE IMMORTAL**  
_by Underground42_

**CHAPTER 1: I WEAR MY HAIR-LOOPIES AT NIGHT**

_They still talk about it, even now; old men sit on their porches, claiming that they were there when he leapt across the roofs of Ba Sing Se. Yes, the plight of Prince Zuko shall go down in history as one of the strangest things ever to happen in the city – and let me tell you, it has a lot of competition. I mean, seriously, we once dressed up a bear and held a feast for it!_

_But I digress. Let us begin at the beginning – _

The early morning sun was shining in through the window. Old Iroh, the Dragon of the West, sat up in his bedroll and stretched with a yawn. Despite his elderly appearance, he was as spry as ever – more spry than some of his younger relatives. He got up with a stretch and a yawn. The day was fresh, the sun was bright – perfect time for a cup of tea!

He had already started the pot when he noticed something. His young nephew, Zuko- errr, Lee was not yet up. Usually the boy was up by the time Iroh rose. Puzzled, he turned to go into the bedroom, only to notice a dilapidated piece of paper lying on the floor, covered with Prince Zuko's spidery scrawl. He pulled the note off the wall and began to read.

_Uncle-_  
_Azula sent me a present - __Poison__ – if I don't keep moving, my heart will stop. I already feel chest pains – about go running, try to ward it off – meet me at noon outside the tea shop_

_HELP ME  
__Lee_

Iroh hurried to the window. The Sun was already high in the sky – he would have to hurry.

-

The people of the lower district were going about their business when, suddenly and without warning, a young man leapt from an apartment roof and into the street. He stopped paused for a moment, crouched, before taking off running down the street. People only caught small flashes of his face; there were contradictory reports about his appearance. One thing they all agreed on, though: he had a large, unpleasant burn.

Sweat ran down his face as he ran through the streets, a trail of dust rising up behind him. Guards called out at him, but he barely heard them. Suddenly, his chest started to ache again – this wasn't enough to keep his heart going. Grinding to a halt, Zuko looked around, desperately. There had to be something; there had to be some way to get a rush in a place full of brigands and drunks –

_BRIGANDS AND DRUNKS!_

A tavern was sitting just across the street from him, already filled with hard-drinking ruffians. Zuko placed his hand on his sword hilt. _If you ever slow down, your heart will stop._

-

When the guards arrived on the scene later, they found a scene of utter, senseless destruction. Survivors gave a reported that a young man had strutted into the tavern like he owned the place. Then he went on a long diatribe about the inadequacy of the men, and how their women had moaned last night when he had visited. In the ensuing chaos, four people were seriously injured and many gold pieces in damage inflicted.

The police concluded that the incident was caused by the bestselling video game _Doom_.

-

Zuko tore down towards the tea shop. The Sun hung directly overhead, beating down mercilessly. His skin was shiny with sweat, like light reflecting off a blade. He ground to a halt in front of the teashop, looking around for his uncle.

The old man was nowhere to be found. The sun was beginning its long crash from its midday high. _Thudthudthudthud Thudthudthud Thud. Thud._ His heart rate was going down. That was bad.

"Lee… come here…" someone called from around an alley corner. Zuko turned, bemused; the speaker was using the same comical, warbling voice one used when telling a spooky story to a child.

"Who's there?" demanded Zuko. Cautiously, he stepped towards the corner. He raised his hands defensively as he stepped forward, stealthily putting one foot forward, then slowly shifting his weight to it. All and all, he looked like an idiot, sneaking towards an alley in broad daylight.

Suddenly, he lunged around the corner, fists lashing out.

Naturally, the alley was completely empty, except for a sleeping hobo. The story of Zuko's life, really. Puzzled, he turned.

A demonic face leered at him; long fangs extended from a wide grin. Zuko stumbled backward, squawking as he fell. _Thudthudthudthudthud…_ The demon laughed uproariously as it reached up and removed the mask. It was none other than Uncle Iroh, struggling to contain himself. The dam broke, he began to laugh uproariously, belly jiggling. Zuko scowled in displeasure.

"If- if- you could see- the look on your face-" Iroh spluttered between laughs, "you would would-"

"I get the idea, Uncle," said Zuko, wearily.

The older man suddenly turned serious. "Explain everything that happened to me as precisely as you can."

"I'd gone out for an early morning walk," began Zuko. "I was about to return when an a man jumped me. He managed to scratch me." He pulled back his sleeve to reveal a tiny laceration. The veins around it, however, were darkened and sickly. "He said that this was my 'present' from Azula and left. Then I wrote the letter and tossed it into our window before I started running. Also… he said Azula would give me the antidote if I gave her the Avatar."

Iroh considered this for a few moments. "I know this poison. It is very difficult to procure, and even more difficult to expel from the body."

"What should I do, Uncle?" asked Zuko. "I can't keep running forever!"

"I have a plan. I know that the there is an antidote, although I will have to do some research to discover it. In the meantime, I brewed this 'special' tea for you." Iroh discreetly passed his nephew a small flask. "Take it as infrequently as possible; never more than a mouthful at a time. It should ward off the poison. Also…" He glanced about. "Try to avoid carrying it across any international boarders. Also, never-" Zuko uncorked the flask and sniffed it.

A combined malodor of ash, rotten eggs, and unwashed armpit hit his nose. Every muscle in his body clenched violently. For a few moments, only Prince Zuko's good eye moved at all, twitching three times, then pausing, twitching three times, pausing.

"- try and sniff it," Iroh finished, resignedly. Zuko was really the sort who could never learn from the experiences of others; most of his wisdom came from hard-earned experience.

"It smells like- like-"

"May poets have gone mad attempting to describe the horror of that scent. Don't fall into the same trap, Prince Zuko!"

Prince Zuko corked the flask again, holding it arm's length.

"For now, keep your heart rate up. Also…"

"What?"

"If you can find any waterbenders, they could help. Their knowledge of healing is indeed great. Meanwhile, I will search for the antidote."

Zuko glanced around. "Should I go looking for the Avatar?"

Iroh considered for a few moments. "I would prefer to keep that as a last resort. Azula would say anything to get what she wants; I would not be surprised if she did not have the antidote at all. But… if it absolutely comes down to it…" Iroh paused. "Yes, go looking for the Avatar."

Zuko nodded, and the two went their separate ways.

-

_MEANWHILE…_

"I have a plan! I have a plan! I have a plan!" Ty Lee said, cheerfully.

"What is it?" asked Azula, wearily. They had been listening to her chant since their little skirmish with the warrior-women a few miles back.

"We go back, take those Kyoshi warrior's clothes, disguise ourselves as Kyoshi, and sneak into the city!"

There was a silence.

"So, what you're suggesting is that we go unguarded into an enemy city, where anyone who knew my our voices could easily point us out as Fire Nation nobles?"

"Uhh…"

"And what's going to happen when those Kyoshi come to the city and discover that we have their stolen clothes?"

"Err…"

"Think, Ty Lee. _Think_."

"But-"

"Zip."

"I have another-"

"Shh."

"Are we almost there?" asked Mae. "I'm bored."

"You're always bored," protested Ty Lee. "Look at everything that's going on! The birds are singing, the deer are running, the trees are- are- uh… treeing…"

The three girls were approaching a small Fire Nation fleet anchored in an inlet. Attached to the largest vessel was a towering zeppelin, big and red, emblazoned with the flame emblem of the Nation.

"I present to you our ticket to Ba Sing Se!" said Azula, dramatically.

"I've seen better," said Mae, dismissively.

"You've seen- come on! No one has seriously used a dirigible in warfare before!

"I think we should build another drill," continued Mae. "If we were to just to seal all the doors from the inside, they'd never be able to get inside and sabotage-"

"No repeat plans!"

"But the drill principle was a good one, it just-"

Azula leaned towards Mae. "Would you like to suckle from my zipple? I have plenty of 'shh' for you."

There was a pause.

"I'm not even going to try," sighed Mae.

"Good. Now, ladies, to the dirigible!"

-

_MEANWHILE…_

Zuko sprinted down a long street, shunting people out of the way as he ran. A twinge stung his heart; he slowed to a crawl, clutching at his chest. "Dammit," he muttered, reaching for the flask Uncle Iroh had given him.

_You only have about three swigs of this,_ the old man had warned him. Grimacing, Zuko uncorked it. Raising it to his mouth, he drank a mouthful.

The taste was so indescribably foul that only one combination springs to mind: toothpaste and orange juice. However, not even this hideous sensation can describe the pure horror of that fluid. Zuko gagged, crumpling to the ground.

Then, it hit his stomach.

Raw power suddenly filled all his limbs. _**THUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMP!**_ It felt like fire was raging all around him, but his skin might have been made of steel for all the damage it did. He shot three feet into the air, smoke pouring from his nostrils as firebending reactions raged uncontrolled in his body.

"Oh yeah," he cheesy-one-line'd, "Now we're _cooking!_

**-**

**UNDERGROUND42 FACT:** Underground42 currently holds the world record for most sourdough rolls eaten in an hour: 836.5.


	2. The Hentai Touch

**A/N: **I just watched eight consecutive episodes of Avatar. I think I might die.

**CHAPTER 2: YOU AND ME BABY AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT ANIME CHARACTERS (SO LET'S DO IT LIKE THEY DO ON THE HENTAI CHANNEL)**

Zuko ran like hell, driven to insane extremes by the sudden, maddening energy. It felt like fire was burning in every single one of his organs, hurling him into a crazed overdrive, like a four-year-old on purified sugar. Hallucinations danced just behind his eyelids; crazy, burning all, his father, Azula in a pink sundress, the skies raining on a flaming earth.

As the hours wore on, he recovered his faculties, and he began to think about the situation. The assassin who had poisoned had smelled distinctly of southern wine. Where was that sold…? There was a bar towards the better part of the slums that carried many different wines and teas, Zuko knew. He resolved to go there, and see if he could not track this poisoner.

As he ran, his heart began to twinge. Looking around desperately, Zuko immediately caught sight of an ostrich-horse cantering down the street, being ridden by a prim-looking government official. Seizing his chance, Zuko ran directly towards the oncoming beast.

At the last moment, he leapt onto the air and kicked the man directly in the chest, sending him flying.

Zuko grabbed the reins and pulled himself into the saddle. He slapped the animal's rump, sending it into a gallop. _Thumpthumpthump_… still the twinges in his heart continued.

Then, a really nasty twinge hit, sending him into an uncontrollable convulsion. Desperately, he pulled his legs from the stirrups; slowly, he climbed into a standing position on the saddle, arms extended. _THUDTHUDTHUDTHUD_… The twinges began to fade. Zuko looked towards the Sun. He let the power of Sol flood through him, fueling his bending.

**CRASH**

The sudden impact with the fence sent Zuko flying. He hit the ground, sending him into a painful spin for several feet. Finally, battered and bruised, he came to a halt. He lay there for a few moments, breathing heavily, eyelids closed.

"L- Lee?" someone asked. Zuko opened his eyes. Jin's face hovered over him, looking concerned. "What happened to you?"

Zuko sat straight up, startling her.

"It's hard to explain," he said.

"Can you try?"

"I've been poisoned. The venom will kill me unless I keep moving."

Jin looked puzzled. "What? Why would anyone do that?"

"They want something I can get."

"What is that?"

"An enemy of the Fire Nation."

"You mean the Fire Nation did this to you? Why do they think you can get it?"

"I may not look it…" began Zuko, choosing his words carefully, "but I know my stuff."

"Lee… just who are you?"

Suddenly, a powerful convulsion struck him. Zuko clutched at his heart, eyes wide.

"Lee! Lee, are you alright?"

"Fine," he snapped, breathing deeply. He had to get his heart rate up. "Jin…" he began slowly.

"Y-yes?" she said, apprehensively.

"The truth is, I really care for you. You're special."

"I- I am?"

He kissed her, straight on the lips.

-

"I'm sooooo bored," moaned Sokka, lying on the floor of their Ba Sing Se house. "I feel like I should be doing something, but I'm… paralyzed."

"It's getting sooooooo hot in here," added Toph.

"Yeah," agreed Aang. "Let's take off all our clothes."

"What was that?" asked Katara, not certain she had heard correctly.

"Err… I said… we should go for a walk… yeah… that's the ticket… and look for Appa! Yeah! That's what we should be doing!"

"I vote for that plan!" Sokka said, brightly.

"It's better than lying around here," agreed Katara.

And so our heroes set off…

-

Some hours later, they had discovered that walking around in the heat is not much more pleasant than lounging around the house in the heat, and so they retired to an upscale tea shop. "It feels like summer already," moaned Sokka. "Is it? Is it summer? Have we already lost?!"

"Calm down," said Katara, soothingly. "It's still spring. The heat is just getting to you-"

"Hey! Did you hear!" someone shouted, excitedly. The entire group looked around (except for Toph, who couldn't) and saw an excited, sweaty-looking man standing in the hall.

"Hear what, Bob?" asked another guy.

"'Bob'?" asked Toph, "What kind of name is that?" Katara shushed her.

"Some scarred dude is raising hell in the lower ring! First he was just running around like crazy, but then he went into some tavern and kicked everyone's asses for no reason! And then, he made love to his girlfriend in the middle of the street!"

Everyone spat out their tea. As the man was bombarded by questions, the four heroes remained in their seats. "I think I read that one!" Sokka said, brightly.

Katara flashed him a dirty look.

"What? Dad left that gigantic collection, and you expect me to never look at it? It's practically my only inheritance!"

"Collection of what?" asked Aang, innocently.

There was a pause. "Aang," began Toph, "when a man and a woman love each other very much-"

"Toph!" snapped Katara. "Since when do you know more than Aang?"

"Err…"

"Come on," said Aang, the picture of childhood innocence. "What are you guys talking about?"

"We're talking about… err…" Katara frantically searched for some way to change the subject. "Look over there! A bird! And a bee- Dammit!"

-

_MEANWHILE…_

Azula sat in the commander's chair of the dirigible, legs crossed demurely. Ty Lee was off somewhere, no doubt swinging around on the rigging, and Mai was (you guessed it!) hating the world.

The Princess surveyed her bridge dramatically. However, she was somehow dissatisfied; something was wrong. Could it be the complete absence of human empathy in her life?

"You there! By the primary control panel!" she shouted. The man looked up. "Go below deck, and say 'soda rubarb' to the first person you see. Then come back up. Do that about fifteen times." The man took off. "You! By the secondary command panel! Go do three laps of the ship. Guards! Just sort of… meander until you receive other orders."

There was a silence as her commands were carried out.

"Why did you do all that?" asked Mai.

"Busyness makes me happy," Azula said, demurely.

Suddenly, Ty Lee burst onto the bridge. "Guys! Guys!"

"What?" asked Azula, messaging her temples.

"We're within sight of the city."

"Good! Take us up to maximum altitude and prepare for bombardment."

There was a silence.

"Well?"

"You sent both of the control panel operators away on meaningless errands, Azula," said Mai.

Azula glanced around. "Umm… yeah… I knew that! I was just testing you. Mai, Ty Lee, take both control panels and carry out my orders!"

While Ty lee took off for the secondary control panel, Mai leaned over to Azula. "Are you sure you really want _her_ at an important post?"

Azula considered this momentarily. "Good point. Ty Lee!"

"Yeah?!"

"There's… uh… chocolate… yeah, chocolate in the mess for you. My treat."

"Really?!" Ty Lee's face lit up like a Christmas tree.

"Yeah… but if you don't hurry, the Avatar is going to steal it!"

Instantly, Ty Lee took off during the halls. Azula waited until she was out of earshot, then leaned over to the convenient collection of communication pipes that sprouted from the wall.

"Mess hall?" she called.

"Yes?"

"This is the captain. Prepare a cauldron of chocolate, on the double."

"Yes, ma'am."

Azula leaned back in her chair, stroking her chin pensively for a few seconds.

She leaned over to the communication pipe again. "Make that two cauldrons of chocolate."

"Yes ma'am."

Azula turned to Mai. "Right, to the control panels. Onwards and upwards!"

"Increasing altitude," said Mai.

Through the front window of the ship they could see the gargantuan walls of Ba Sing Se, now rendered meaningless by air power.

_I am so awesome, _thought Azula.

-

**DID YOU KNOW?** Chuck Norris was the first Avatar.


	3. INTERLUDE: Prince Zuko 007!

_Meanwhile, on the TV…_

-

_**This week, on Prince Zuko, 007!**_

_Last time on _Prince Zuko, 007_, Prince Zuko broke into the evil Dr. Ozai's underground lair, intent on stopping the atomic laser. But what revelations await him there?_

"Prepare ze lazer!" shouted Dr. Ozai, from his command desk, in the innermost sanctum of his underground lair. Generic underlings scurried around him and his lieutenant/daughter, Azula.

"Yes, mein doctor," acknowledged Frau Azula. She wore a tight-fitting, short-skirted uniform which showed off her elegant legs. She quickly strode to ze lazer and began boot up procedures. A klaxon sounded throughout the underground lair.

"Ve vill now fire ze lazer at ze moon-mirror, deflecting it and thus destroying Tokyo!" proclaimed Dr. Ozai, laughing manically.

"Not so fast, Dr. Ozai!" shouted an adolescent voice. Suddenly, the doors burst open; two henchmen were thrown from the hallway beyond.

"Show yourself!" Dr. Ozai shouted, furiously.

Prince Zuko 007 stepped forth from the hallway, hair streaming behind him dramatically. "I'll put a stop to your vile plot!" he announced, dropping into a fighting stance. "Prepare to face justice!"

Ozai climbed to his feet. "You haf done vell to get this far. But are you villing to fight-" the camera zoomed in on him as he raised a lone eyebrow "-your own father?!" He shed his coat, revealing his buff chest.

There was a long silence.

Azula gagged. "Vhat?" demanded Dr. Ozai. "Vhat is it? I am not zhat out of shape!"

"Father… I… I kinda seduced him," said Azula, indicating Zuko, who merely looked horrified.

Ozai considered this. "Vell. Vell. Zis is akward."

_Will Zuko defeat the evil Dr. Ozai? Will Tokyo be destroyed again? Will Zuko and Azula be able to wash away their deep shame? Find out next time on Prince Zuko: 007!_


	4. When the Fire Lord Comes Around

**RIDDLE: **A young woman was at her mother's funeral when she met an attractive, successful young man who was very into her. As she was driving away from the funeral, however, she realized she had not gotten his name or number. A week later, she kills her sister. Why? (Answer at the end of the chapter)

**CHAPTER 3: WHEN THE FIRE LORD COMES AROUND**

"Thank you," said Zuko, ignoring the large crowd that had formed around them.

"Any time," said Jin, looking slightly disheveled as she tied her sash.

Zuko was unsure what to say after the encounter. As a young prince, he was taught never to have such encounters with girls outside of marriage; doing so could create inconvenient political situations. And by 'political situations,' I mean 'children.'

"You'll get the antidote, right?" asked Jin.

"Yes," he said. "Somehow."

"And you'll come back?"

"Yes."

"Then what are you waiting for?"

Zuko took off down the street, only to stop dead in his tracks a short distance away. A huge dirigible was passing over the walls. Earthbenders were flinging stones at it, to absolutely no effect. Slowly, it rose over the city, unfazed by all counterattacks. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning shot forth from the blimp and struck a tower, destroying instantly. Stone flew from the tower, a heavy rain on the city.

No more rocks were thrown at the dirigible.

"People of Ba Sing Se!" announced a booming, artificially-loudened voice from the blimp. The voice was female, and somewhat familiar to Zuko, but it was distorted beyond all recognition. "This city is now under the control of the Fire Nation. We will soon be bringing our main army into the city. You will open the gates for them. Please note that any resistance will be met with swift, unmerciful retaliation! Thank you for your cooperation!"

There was a pause.

"Also, Zuzu, if you have what I want, bring it to the big fountain with all the lamps as soon as possible."

Zuko took off running.

-

He barely made it around the corner when a demon jumped him. He yelped as the creature lunged out of the alley and jumped on his face. "Dammit, Uncle- oh."

It was neither his uncle nor a demon. It was a lemur. The Avatar's lemur. Why it was here, the world may never know. Zuko looked it straight in the eye. "Do you know where the Avatar is?"

It stared at him.

Zuko glanced around to make sure no one was looking at him. Discreetly, he crouched down to about Aang's height and grinned idiotically, like a chimp that had just stolen something from a human. The creature squeaked at him and took off down the alley, Zuko in quick pursuit.

-

"So," said Sokka, "what's the plan for dealing with this threat to the city?"

"What threat?" asked Toph, shutting the latrine door behind her. The Gaang (am I allowed to use that term in actual fic) was gathered outside a public restroom. From their vibes, Toph could tell they were all nervous and disconcerted, as were all the pedestrians nearby.

"It's not going to be easy to get to," said Katara.

"I can get there," pointed out Aang.

"I feel like this is some kind of riddle," mused Toph. "Or a lateral thinking puzzle. Gods, I hate those."

"Perhaps a catapult?" offered Sokka.

"They'd lightning bolt it the moment revealed it," countered Aang.

"Perhaps the 'Gods' expletive wasn't too off the mark."

"Maybe we could like… hide a catapult behind a large object, and then launch a giant projectile over the large object."

"The palace?" suggested Aang.

"Is this twenty questions? Am I still in phase?" Toph poked Sokka in the ribs. "Yep, definitely not out of phase with the rest of the universe."

"Ouch!" exclaimed Sokka. "Oh. I didn't notice you there."

"I've been talking for the last five minutes or so."

"You were?"

There was a silence.

"You were just messing with me, weren't you?"

"Yes," admitted Katara.

"Katara! You always ruin my practical jokes!" Sokka moaned.

"I'm sorry, Sokka, but-"

"Let's do a viewpoint change. Writing from Toph's perspective is getting awkward."

"'k."

"Hey, who's viewpoint are -"

-

"-you calling awkward?!" demanded Toph.

"Yours." Sokka looked up at the blimp, shading his eyes from the sign. It was a terrible sight- a great, egg-shaped monstrosity, bristling with gunports, spikes, and industrial smokestacks belching vile fumes. The usual Fire Nation fair gone airborne, in other words. "We need some way to get up there," said Sokka. "If we pierce the balloon, all the hot air will leak out and it will fall."

"That's the problem," said Katara. "Aang can't go up there alone."

Everyone thought about it for a few moments.

"I've got nothing," said Aang.

"Same," said Katara and Toph.

Everyone was left looking at Sokka. "What? You expect me to magically come up with a plan?"

"Just like you always do!" said Aang. "Come on, Sokka, we have a formula for these menace-of-the-week episodes. The Fire Nation throws something really mean and nasty at us, we get routed for a while, and then you come up with an improbable plan that swiftly resolves the episode."

"Well, I don't have anything," said Sokka, sourly.

"I guess we're screwed," said Toph. "That means the Fire Lord is going to take over the world and ban chocolate."

There was a long, silence.

"Ban… chocolate?" whimpered Sokka.

"Yes. Chocolate."

"All chocolate?"

"All chocolate. Except for white chocolate, but that's almost to horrible to contemplate."

Sokka took a few moments to digest this. "Alright, I think I have a plan, but we're short a person."

"We need five?"

"Yes, or we will all die quickly."

"What is the plan, exactly?"

"Well, we take this hypothetical fifth person, and then Toph and Aang using Earthbending to launch him into the air towards the zeppelin. While the crew are distracted by that, Aang and Katara will double up on the glider and fly up and sneak onto the top, then use waterbending to saw a hole in the balloon."

"So," said Toph, "All we need is someone willing to be launched towards a Fire Nation airship on a giant rock, being shot at with fire, lightning, and whatever the else bad guys have."

"Yes," said Sokka. "That's about the size and shape of it."

"It'll be like playing Galaga, except your ship is going insanely fast, you can't move left or right, and you have no gun."

"What?" asked Katara.

"Never mind," said Toph. "It's a joke only gamers and masochists get."

"So," said Aang, "It's about time we introduce a secondary character to nobly sacrifice his- or herself for the good of the plot."

Everyone waited.

"Well? Mr. Writer-man?" asked Aang. "The plot can't move forward until you give us our cannon fodder."

"Also, you're not allowed to use any of my potential love interests." He then coughed a noise that sounded remarkably like 'Yuai.'"

"We'd even take, say, a reformed villain. We're desperate, here," added Aang.

As if in sardonic answer, Momo came around the corner, scampering along cheerfully.

"Yeah," said Sokka. "Thanks, Mr. Writer-man."

Zuko tore around the corner, at a full sprint.

"Not cool," complained Aang.

Zuko skidded to a halt in front of the Avatar. For a few moments, he looked them up and down, scowling.

"You're going to try and capture me, aren't you?" asked Aang.

Zuko lunged forward, eyes burning (figuratively speaking).

-

**RIDDLE ANSWER:** She hoped that the young man would show up at her sister's funeral.

- - -


	5. She Blinded Me With Lightning

**FUN FACT:** The hardest part of writing this was coming up with the chapter titles.

**CHAPTER 4: SHE BLINDED ME WITH LIGHTNING**

Zuko raised havoc and hellfire through the streets, pushing our heroes steadily back with a blazing wall.

"Just when did this guy turn into Chuck Norris?" demanded Toph.

"I take offense at that remark!" Sokka shouted over the chaos. "I know Chuck Norris, and he, madam, is no Chuck Norris… he's more of a Jean-Claude van Damme."

(insert slow, mechanical description of battle here, complete with elaborate, physics-defying moves that would baffle Neo. Seriously, people, fight scenes aren't written like grocery lists, nor in any way do they resemble Cirque de Sole acts)

Zuko and Aang stood opposite each other, breathing heavily.

"When did you turn into Chuck Norris?" asked Aang.

"He's not Chuck Norris!" shouted Sokka.

Zuko clenched his fists. "This is not personal," said Zuko. "But I must-"

"Stop this, Prince Zuko!" shouted Iroh, coming around the corner. The older man came to a halt, panting.

"Uncle?"

"I have discovered the antidote," continued the older man. "The only thing that can purge the venom from your veins is water from the Spirit Oasis in the northern Water Tribe."

There was a silence.

"What's the difference?" asked Zuko. "Azula still has the antidote-"

"Look deep inside your soul," interrupted Iroh. "Where do you think a Fire Nation princess would get Spirit Water and a waterbender to use it?"

"I feel like I walked into this movie kind of late," said Toph, dryly.

"So I'm dead," said Zuko, quietly.

"Wait," said Katara. "Explain to us exactly what's going on."

"Wait," Sokka cut in. "This doesn't mean we're going to have a review chapter, does it?"

(insert review chapter here)

"So, just to reiterate-" began Katara.

"Come on!" shouted Aang. He paused to wipe a bit of drool from his chin. "We just had an entire review chapter! Don't torture us any more!"

"-Zuko has been poisoned with a substance that will kill him unless he keeps moving, right?"

"Right," said Iroh.

"And he's spent the day running about like a madman, having exhibitionist sex, and getting into random fights?"

"Right," said Iroh. Zuko was doing short laps of the battlefield, trying to keep from dying.

"And he needs water from the Spirit Oasis to save him?"

"Mercy!" sobbed Toph, as she clutched Sokka. "Please, Katara, please, no more review! For whatever love you bear me, spare me the pain! The pain!" She burst into new tears.

"Right," said Iroh, to Katara.

"And-"

"Shut up!" shouted Sokka.

"Yeah!" added Aang. "Shut up and get on with it!"

"Get on with it!" agreed Toph.

"Well," said Katara, irritably, "I was just making sure everyone was on the same page."

"For God's sake, Katara, the _author_ didn't subject himself to a review chapter! He just put '(insert review chapter )' up there! No more, Katara, no more!" begged Sokka.

"I rather liked the review chapter," protested Iroh, mildly.

"Really?" asked Katara brightly.

"We're moving on, Uncle!" shouted Zuko.

"Alright, alright."

"Thank god!" Aang shouted, getting to his feet. Toph wiped the tears from her eyes. Sokka recovered his sanity.

"C'mon, guys, huddle up," said Sokka. Our heroes formed a small circle.

"I think we should help him," said Katara, immediately.

"Help him- he just tried to kill us!" Toph interjected.

"Ah, Toph," said Sokka. "You're after my own heart, girl."

"Shut it."

"She's perfect," said Sokka, dreamily.

"We can't just let him die," protested Katara.

"Why not?"

"Because I believe he is an honorable man. If we save his life, we will have a friend forever."

"Come on, Katara. This is Zuko we're talking about it. His distinguishing characteristic is the ability to take a brilliant opportunity and, despite all suggestions to the contrary, make exactly the wrong choice. He's the crash-and-burn principle incarnate."

"Wait," said Toph. "Maybe Katara's onto something."

"Toph," sobbed Sokka. "How could you betray me so?"

"We could give him the water, then launch him towards the ship while Aang and Katara fly up and destroy the blimp."

"Improved plan," said Sokka. "We promise him the water _if_ he goes up to the blimp and… what's the euphemism… 'ends' Azula. Of course, it's a suicide mission, Zuko's dead, Azula's maybe dead, blimp's dead, and we still have our magic healing water!"

"Sokka, that's horrible! How can you take advantage of someone like that?" gasped Katara.

"Yeah Sokka," said Aang, "We can't sink to their level!" Katara looked at him with admiration. _Oh yeah, totally scored points with the Kat-meisteress._

"I say we vote," said Sokka. "Who's for Toph-and-my plan?"

Both he and Toph raised their hands.

"Who's for just helping him?" said Katara. She and Aang both raised their hands.

"Well, crap," said Sokka. He stroked his chin. "Flip a coin for it?"

Katara was mortified. "Sokka, this is a human life, not the last piece of seal-jerky! How can you be so cold?"

"Could you please hurry?" asked Iroh, loudly. "My nephew is starting to wheeze."

"Well, flipping a coin never bothered Anton Chigurh," protested Sokka.

"Who?" asked Aang.

Toph looked at him. "When a man and another man hate each other very much…"

"Aang isn't old enough for that movie," said Katara, with finality. "Neither is Toph, for that matter, but I get the strange sense that that fact wouldn't stop her."

"Aww," said Aang.

"I'm sorry to interrupt," said Iroh, "but my nephew is starting to smell strange."

"Alright, alright," said Katara, looking at Zuko with worry (SUBTLE ROMANTIC FORESHADOWING ALERT), "We can flip the coin."

Sokka immediately produced a coin from his pocket. Carefully, he aligned it on his thumb before launching it into the air, where it spiraled several times before landing on his arm. He quickly clapped his hand over it.

"Call it," he said, menacingly.

Katara and Aang briefly conferred. "Heads," said Katara.

Sokka lifted his hand, revealing the tails-up coin. "Ha!" he said, dramatically.

"Hope you never run into Anton Chigurh," added Toph, sarcastically.

Katara frowned, but said nothing.

Suddenly, Azula's voice roared from the zeppelin, like that of an angry god. "Zuzu, my boy, I see you're still alive, based on that mess you made downtown. If you've captured the Avatar, bring him to the fountain with all the lamps. Yeah, that's right, the one you went to on the date with Jin." Zuko started. "Yes, I know about that. Remember, when secluded I see all. So… yeah. Bring him to the fountain, or you will die! Painfully!"

"Hold on," said Zuko, blood suddenly boiling. "I have to do something."

-

_Meanwhile, on the Death Blimp…_

"Ha! If that wretch has the Avatar, I'll have my quarry right at my feet, and if he doesn't, he'll die, and be out of my hair once and for all!" she began to laugh maniacally.

"Ma'am," interrupted a minion, "He's writing a message in scorch marks on the ground."

Azula hurried to the front of the bridge and looked through the window. "_U… P… U… R… S… B… I…_" She paused. "Oh yeah, Zuzu," she said, into the megaphone. "Real mature."

-

**A/N:** This chapter is short only because I refused to subject myself to a review chapter.


	6. I'm Too Sexy for My Scar

A/N: Did you know that Jean-Claude van Damme's professional kickboxing record is 15-1

**A/N:** Did you know that Jean-Claude van Damme's professional kickboxing record is 15-1? Trufax.

**ALSO:** Read closely – this may be the first and last time you see Katara quote Anton Chigurh. After that, I promise there will be no more _No Country for Old Men_ references, although I refuse to call them obscure references, because _NCFOM_ carried Best Picture at the Oscars.

**CHAPTER 5:** **I'M TOO SEXY FOR MY SCAR (SO SEXY IT HURTS)**

The walls of Ba Sing Se slowly opened. Outside stood the armies of the Fire Nation, triumphant, despite not having spilled a drop of blood. The people of the city cowered in their homes, fearful of the red parade that marched through the streets of the city, right up to the palace.

Meanwhile, the good guys were mobilizing to come from behind and save the day.

"Where are we headed?" asked Zuko, as he sprinted through the streets.

"An open field," said Sokka.

"That's where you'll launch me into the air," confirmed Zuko, uncertainly.

"Yes."

"You're going to have a blind girl launch me into the air towards a floating fortress?"

"Yes."

"And then you're-"

"Please!" yelled Toph. "Stop reviewing!"

"Yeah!" yelled Aang. "Death to review!"

"Fair enough," admitted Zuko.

"I'm not sure I like this plan," said Uncle Iroh, nervously.

"You're not alone," said Katara, flashing Sokka a dirty look.

"Hey, the coin is binding," protested Sokka.

"Sure, Sokka, it's binding," said Katara, in a quiet, threatening voice. "But there's nothing binding me with regards to equal division of rations."

The boy went pale. "You wouldn't."

"Let me ask you something," began Katara. "If the rule you followed brought you to this, what use was the rule?"

"Do you have any conception of how godsdamned crazy you are?" demanded Sokka.

"The nature of this conversation?"

"No, the nature of you!"

"Hold up!" shouted Aang, from the front of the group. Everyone screeched to a halt, and saw a large number of Fire Benders gathered there, any trace of human empathy hidden beneath their skull-like masks.

"Damn," said Iroh, quietly. The group took off down an alley, closely pursued by the enemy

"Surrender now, in the name of the Fire Nation!" yelled the leader of the Fire-benders, who was actually indistinguishable from his underlings.

"We need to get them off our tail," muttered Sokka.

Suddenly, Uncle Iroh stopped in his tracks. He turned to face the fire-benders, the wind blowing his hair around dramatically.

"Uncle!" yelled Zuko, stopping.

"Go, Zuko!" yelled Iroh. "I will hold them off."

"Please, uncle, don't leave me alone!"

"I'm for leaving him," Sokka interrupted. Katara turned the wheel on her air tank, pressurizing her cattlegun with an ominous hiss. "Kidding," said Sokka, nervously.

The fire-benders caught up. Their leader stepped forward, facing Iroh. "Your powers are weak, old man."

"You can't win," replied Iroh. "If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can ever imagine."

"Uncle!" repeated Zuko, desperately.

"Go, Zuko! Save yourself! I will be fine against these common thugs."

Zuko did not seem to quite believe his uncle, but he turned and ran anyway, boots pounding on the pavement.

-

They reached the park without further conflict, but they were all winded. Thankfully, the ground was flat; the only obstacles were a few trees scattered about and the houses lining the park on all sides.

"No witnesses," said Sokka. "Alright, how are we gonna do this?"

Katara folded her arms and frowned.

"Oh, Katara," said Sokka. "Turn that frown upside-down!"

"Ok," interrupted Aang, "I have a plan. I'm going to aim the rock. As I throw it, I'm going to yell for help, at which point Toph will fling all her power into it, hopefully propelling it directly at the Death Blimp."

"Hopefully?" asked Zuko.

"Hey, we're not _totally_ infallible," said Toph.

"Alright, crouch on the ground," said Aang.

Zuko did so.

Slowly, Aang began to arrange the launch. It was difficult work; there were a great many variables to be considered, such as the force and the angle of the launch, wind direction, and the position of the launch. _And if he survives, Katara will love me forever!_

"Alright, I'm almost ready," said Aang.

"I'm not so sure," protested Sokka. "I think you need lower angle."

"Lower- He'll hit those houses if we go any lower!" protested Aang.

"Are you blind? He'll clear it by fifteen cubits!"

"Oh, I'm the blind one? If I lower the elevation-"

Zuko grunted and clutched at his chest. "Guys?" interrupted Katara. "We need to launch soon."

However, Aang and Sokka continued to argue. Zuko began to breath heavily as beads of sweat rolled off his face.

"Guys!" shouted Katara, to no avail. She looked at Zuko awkwardly. He looked at her, face drawn and tired.

"I'm not going to make it," he said, wearily.

"At least you won't die a virgin, loverboy," said Toph.

"Shut up, Toph. Look… I'm sorry about this," said Katara. "I didn't want to make you do this." She glanced at Aang and Sokka, shiftily. "I could heal you right now, while they're distracted," she began, reaching towards her mystic water.

"No," said Zuko, putting his hand over hers. "Don't waste it on the dead."

Aang and Sokka continued to argue about wind direction and force. Zuko was fading by the moment, his labored breathing coming in short, painful gasps. Katara glanced around, making sure no one was paying attention. "I can do this much," she whispered. Then, she -

WE INTERRUPT THIS FANFIC FOR A SPECIAL REPORT: Scientists have recently determined that Chuck Norris jokes may be hazardous to your mental and physical health. More news as it comes in.

"Thanks," whispered Zuko.

"I had to do something," whispered Katara.

"Alright!" said Aang. "We've worked out a compromise. Let's do this- Hey, what were you guys doing?"

"Nothing," said Katara, innocently.

"Why's there a- " began Sokka.

"Nothing happened," repeated Katara, pressurizing her air gun.

Sokka eyed the weapon nervously. "Toph? Aang? Yeah, let's do this. You know, fast. So I can go hide somewhere."

-

_Meanwhile, on the Death-Blimp…_

"Look over there!" shouted Ty Lee.

"If it's another bird, I'm not interested," said Azula, wearily.

"But it's-"

"It's a bird, Ty Lee. Just a bird; I don't care what species, genus, or kingdom it belongs to. It's just a bird-"

"It's actually a rock," interrupted Ty Lee.

Azula jumped up. "_What?_" she demanded, resorting to italics to show her strong emphasis.

"It's definitely a rock," added Ty Lee.

-

Zuko rode on the rock, shaggy brown hair streaming out behind him. He was going faster than he had ever dreamed possible; the world around him turned into a watercolor blur. He felt exhilarated; he felt truly alive for the first time in a long while.

There was a brilliant flash directly ahead; a glass-shattering roar filled the air as lightning cut through the sky towards him. Zuko lunged to the front of the rock and received the blow directly.

He felt the raw power coursing through him. To control it was like redirecting a raging river, but redirect it he did. It shot past his heart into the daun'tien, absorbed by his qi. "I'm comin' for you, Azula," he hissed.

The rock slammed into the bloated blimp with overwhelming power. Metal shrieked and twisted; men shrieked and twisted. The rock lodged itself into the side of the rear compartment.

Zuko clung to the side of the boulder, surprised to be alive. Slowly, he climbed to the top of the boulder, where he was pleased to discover a tear in the metal surface large enough for him to slip through. He crouched and swiftly wormed through the debris.

He emerged into the surviving part of the room. To Zuko, it appeared to be a boiler room, based on the presence of boilers in the room. _I am a master of deduction,_ he thought, as he stepped over the dead and wounded to get to the exit. A man called to him to him as he pushed open the black door.

"Please…" muttered the man. "Tell Jim… I… I love him…"

Zuko looked at the man awkwardly. "Um… sure," he said.

"Tell him that our love is eternal! Not even death can keep us apart!"

"Yes, yes, I will," said Zuko, nervously. "I really need to go-"

"And tell him… tell him I would leave my wife for him."

Zuko pushed into the hallway outside, glad to be away from the man. Predictably, the corridor was black, metal, and Spartan; the Fire Nation Department of Interior Decoration had clearly been hard at work here. Cautiously, Zuko walked down the corridor, each step putting him into a strong combat stance, ready to strike at the slightest provocation.

After an hour or so, he made his way to the end of the hall, bringing him to a tall, ominous door. From behind it, he could hear low bass vibrations. Confused, he put his ear to the door and listened close. Sure enough, some was playing thumping rave music back there. _Azula… is holding a dance party?_

He pushed the door open.

Inside, the entire Dai Li, a large collection of Fire Nation soldiers, and several mercenaries were rocking out. A DJ was standing on an elevated stage, doing that holding-one-headphone-to-the-ear-while-scratching-the-record bit. Above the stage was an elevated balcony, where Mai, Ty Lee, and Azula stood.

Zuko and Azula's eyes met instantly.

"Stop the music!" shouted Azula.

It stopped. Everyone looked toward Zuko.

"Prince Zuko interrupted our party."

They all drew their weapons.

"That wasn't very nice.

Zuko drew his double broadsword.

"Kill him." Azula smiled.

They all rushed forward.

Zuko rushed into their midst, blades whirling about him. They all descended on him at once, spewing fire, throwing rocks, and stabbing swords. Zuko whirled violently, forming an egg of fire about himself. They fell back, their front line suddenly set ablaze.

As they sank to the ground, burning to cinders, Zuko took stock of his enemies. All secondary characters. They could not stand against him.

He dropped the egg and rushed forward, blades whirling. They crashed in around him. Zuko spun about, hacking furiously. Limbs went flying; screams filled the air as the battle progressed around the room, smashing tables and chairs. Zuko crouched low and slashed legs out from beneath their owners. They all crashed down around him, piling up on top of the lone prince.

For a few seconds, there was only silence. Azula smiled.

The pile-up exploded violently, and it was raining men, halleluiah. Zuko cut down the nearest ones as they descended, leaping about the battlefield like a rabid monkey. As they formed up again, Zuko ran up the stairs to the raised balcony in a frantic attempt to get to Azula.

Lightning thundered from above; Zuko shielded his eyes as it struck the steps directly ahead of him. He looked up to see Azula shaking a finger at him. She said something, but Zuko's ears were ringing too loudly to hear it, though he had no doubt it was very hurtful. He turned around. The enemy was arrayed at the foot of the stairs, looking up at him solemnly.

Zuko lunged into the crowd, deafness be damned. He cut, and his blades made graceful arcs of blood through the air. A man opened his mouth in a soundless scream as Zuko opened his chest with two clean swipes. With a spin, he went low, blades cutting out feet from their owners. With a fantastic leap, he found himself at the rear of the room, staring at the oncoming horde. The dead littered the ground, in a little coat of gore.

"Any man who stands aside will be spared," said Zuko. "But if you raise any weapon against me, I will show you no quarter." He could not hear himself speak, but he could tell that the enemy got the message. Their expressions were those of fear and anxiety.

Slowly, they parted, offering him a clear route to the second, intact stairway.

"Good," said Zuko.

A second bolt of lightning descended from the balcony, striking down one group of cowards. The second group had barely processed what had happened before a second bolt struck them, annihilating them instantly. Zuko did not hear the thunder of the screams.

He looked up at Azula, who stood at the top of the balcony, looking every bit as superior as usual. She said something.

"I can't hear you!" shouted Zuko.

She rolled her eyes and shouted louder. This time, Zuko caught a little bit of it.

"What was that about your tits?" he yelled.

She gave him a despairing stare. She turned and walked out a back entrance to the balcony, dogged by her loyal henchwomen.

"Where do you think you're going?" demanded Zuko, who quickly made chase.

-

When Zuko burst onto the observation deck, the three girls were surveying the city of Ba Sing Se below. They heard his heavy footfalls, but none turned to face him.

There was a long silence.

"Mai, Ty Lee," he began. "I'll offer the same deal to you. The only person who definatley isn't walking away from this is Azula."

"Such posturing," said Azula. "What makes you think you're in a position to make such sweeping pronouncements?"

There was another long silence.

"Well?" asked Zuko.

"He can't hear you," pointed out Mai.

"I knew that," said Azula. "Just testing you."

She turned around. "You're pathetic, Zuko. You think that you can beat me, a main villain, just because you slaughtered a bunch of tertiary characters? Please."

"They were _secondary_ characters," insisted Zuko.

"Wait, how can you hear me?"

"He's reading your lips," said Mai, wearily.

"Y- yes, I knew that," said Azula, keeping her composure. "Anyway, Zuko, you will lose."

Zuko readied his broadswords.

Azula snapped her fingers. Instantly, Mai cast a dagger from her sleeve. It flew through the air; Zuko saw it; began to dodge; but it nicked his cheek. He snarled, angrily, and lunged forward. _Thudthudthudthudthud_

Azula stepped back just as his heart started to falter. He fell to his knees, struck by vicious convulsions. His sister just smiled at him archaically. "No person can take two bites from this serpent," she said. Suddenly, she kicked him in the chest, sending him flying into the back wall. _Thud. Thud. Thud. _

"Pathetic, Zuko," she said, as she made the circle of lightning. Zuko's eyes widened. "You never were a true royal. You were always bastard. Just not in blood." _Thud… thud…_ Zuko heroically hauled himself upright, staring at Azula defiantly.

The lightning shot forward. It shot into Zuko, filling him with electricity. That electricity flowed directly into Zuko's faltering heart.

Azula smirked and turned her back on Zuko before hell fell. Her last mistake.

Zuko lunged forward. Mai suddenly turned on Ty Lee. Azula turned around, eyes wide, just as Zuko careened into her. They both plunged over the edge of the observation deck. Ty Lee throw off Mai and grabbed Azula's hand. Zuko, however, had no hand reaching out for him. He plunged towards Ba Sing Se below. For a few moments, his face was blank as he fell. He was thinking about his whole situation. This whole world.

_I hate everything,_ he thought, blandly.

He fell through a cloud, and emerged soaked.

_I don't believe that,_ he admitted.

Slowly, he reached into his pocket and produced a piece of parchment and a quill. After thinking briefly, he began to write.

_Dear Jin,  
I'm sorry I can't come back. I'm sorry I've been a little less than faithful. I did the best I could.  
ZUKO_

He released the message into the great blue sky.

-

**Epilogue**

He fell

He fell

He fell

He slammed into a cart of cabbages

He bounced

He landed again, smashing the flagstones beneath him

For a time, his glassy eyes stared ahead.

And then

_Thud Thud_

And he blinked

_To be continued…?_

- - -


End file.
